Dev Journal: Stalled Engine

Well, shoot. I’ve definitely let these journals space out more than I’d intended. I’ve put it on my to-do list to update with you guys maybe a dozen times now, but… well, it went the same way as a lot of things on my to-do list from day to day. Often I’d tell myself, “today’s the day I’ll get back into it properly, and once I have some good news, once things are back on track, I’ll post a dev journal about it!” And… instead of jumping back into it, I’ve kinda been crawling back into it.

I don’t like admitting it, but I haven’t been able to get nearly as much done lately as I usually do. I’ve been seeing a lot of engagement from folks lately and I deeply appreciate it, but that only makes me feel more ashamed when I stall out like this. I’ve already been on anti-depressants for quite a while, so I’m not sure if they’re just not as effective as they used to be, or if I’d be in a much worse place right now without them.

Anyway, I’m tired of putting off my journal hoping for some good news to drop into my lap so I can make it a little more upbeat. I pledged to do regular journals, so I guess I’m doing a journal explaining about the foul place I’ve ended up.

I’m actually not really sure what exactly the “cause” is. I’ve kinda dipped above and below that line where it interferes with my work for a long time, but lately it’s been worse, and I’ve been trying to find a solution, to get myself back on a better course. I’ve come up with a lot of “maybe why”s for it:

• The general disaster that 2020 has been
• The depression that just about everyone I know is also going through
• The half a dozen people I’m counting on for help with these projects that have either slowed to a crawl or stopped responding, mostly because they’re also depressed
• Feeling like I don’t have the right to feel bad when I have such a great job and everyone’s looking forward to my work, compounding shame on top of each negative feeling
• Feeling more intensely isolated than ever with the quarantine stymieing my attempts to actually get a social life after I made the crazy move back to Portland
• Feeling like I won’t accomplish some of my larger-scale goals for my life if I just keep making porn games forever
• Trying to transition from the thrill of “wouldn’t it be great” game design to the “actually figure out how to make all this work” part for a new project
• Trying to predict the hundreds of ways the project could go wrong and be “flawed” ahead of time to design it “perfectly” so people won’t constantly complain about things I can’t change later
• Trying to shift focus to a new project, but being unable to think of MVOL as finished when there’s still so many flaws, so much to add, and so much I should be doing to promote it and prepare it for an eventual, possible steam release

I expect it’s one of these, or some combination of them. This isn’t a cry for help, and I’m not trying to say it’s okay for me to act this way, but I feel like I at least owe folks an explanation when things slow down like this. I’d really been hoping to get the first build of the new main project out at the start of this month, but that obviously didn’t happen. I’d been pushing myself a lot, trying to keep up that sense of pressure, and when I realized I couldn’t ship it that soon, something slipped loose, and I’ve just been reeling since then.

I’ve still been getting things done, a little, here and there. Been trying to get more comfortable with Unity, rooting through the base engine I commissioned, figuring out how things work and what I need to change. A big challenge has actually been just trying to figure out what I’m going to do for all the supporter rewards, and how I’m going to implement them. I designed these rewards so they shouldn’t be too much extra work– once they’re set up to start with. Just a little messing around with variables right before shipping a new version. But setting them up to begin with can be a lot of extra work, and it can be kinda hard to say what “basic cheats” and “advanced cheats” should be when even the fundamentals of the gameplay are still in flux. It’s making me think maybe I should hold off on doing supporter rewards for the very first build of a new project… but if I’m starting new side projects and prototypes repeatedly, that’d mean a lot of builds with none of those cheats and so on that folks are paying for. I don’t want the rewards to get in the way, but I don’t want them to be missing too much. Maybe once I have the first set, it’ll be easier to design and implement more in the future.

I expect it’d certainly help to bring on a proper programmer to assist with building things. Support has been going up, which has been awesome, we may be hitting multiple milestones before long to start expanding the team, and I’ve had a lead on a potential steady artist, but… well, everyone everywhere seems to be depressed and barely getting anything done, too. It’s hard not to worry about what the future actually looks like at this point. And it’s frustrating, because I know that means it’s a time we could use some escapism more than ever, and I should be striving to provide some of that. I want to be. Every time I play a game I find myself thinking about game design, whether about things I could fine tune with upcoming projects or new ideas for potential games, but…

Usually those little strikes of inspiration keep me energized and excited to keep pushing forward. Lately, though, it hasn’t felt the same. It’s felt more like… “that would be neat, but it would probably go wrong if I did it.” And that’s… I don’t really know where that’s come from. Maybe I’ve finally just let the critics get to me? I’ve had so many people just pour love on MVOL it’s been rather embarrassing, but there’s also people that will say “it would be good if it were X” or “if it had Y” and complain endlessly about how I should change it, or how I should’ve known better than to make it the way I did. Usually I don’t let it get to me, but… I don’t know if I’m just more vulnerable to that right now, or if it’s kinda entered a feedback loop with my inherent, intense desire to figure things out ahead of time and “get it right the first time,” to measure a hundred times and cut once, so to speak. It feels like this is my chance to finally get it right from the start, but it’s… impossible, and it’s hard for me to accept that, and I guess it’s turning into “it’s impossible for me to make a game right” somewhere inside me.

I know that’s stupid. I know there’s no such thing as perfection, and aiming for it is unhealthy. I need to accept that every game I ever make will be flawed, and there will always be people that complain about my work, and some will be right while others will be wrong. It’s better to keep moving forward and creating than to worry too much about small flaws. That’s always been the hardest thing for me to embrace, I guess.

Anyway. That strange, bitter sense that I can’t design a game well has had me a little scared, and I’ve been trying to straighten my head out and keep myself out of the pit as best I can. Things are slow, but I think they’re gradually getting just a little better again. I wish I could share better news, but “things are still going, just slowly” is about the best I can offer right now.

I’m sorry to share such a gloomy journal in already dark times. Please don’t worry about me. If nothing else, I’m one stubborn son of a bitch, and I’ll get things done sooner or later, no matter what tries to slow me down. I’ll find a way through this.

I hope things are going better for you and yours, and that you’ll pull through any troubles you’re having as well. Thanks for taking the time to check in with me. Take care out there in that mess, until next time.